2. How to Practice Self-Compassion.

Let’s learn two tools to practice self-compassion, as described by Kristin Neff in Self Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.

The Loving Dialogue
The Loving Hug

First, let’s familiarise ourselves with Self-Compassion.

Neff describes 3 components of self-compassion.

Self-Kindness
Recognition of our common humanity
Mindfulness

What is Self-Kindness?

Dedicating time to help yourself.
Acknowledging that you feel awful.
Being gentle and understanding with yourself.
Using loving and soothing words.
Using terms of endearment that are meaningful to you - ie Love, Darling.
Actively comforting yourself.
Responding just as you would to a dear friend in need.
Allowing yourself to be emotionally moved by your pain.
Offering love, warmth, gentleness and sympathy from yourself to yourself.

What is Recognition of our Common Humanity?

Trauma can bring a sense of isolation. Feeling isolated can increase stress. In recognising that everyone suffers and experiences feelings of inadequacy and disappointment, we start to feel more connected. When we join with others by thinking about their feelings and reflect on how suffering is part of the shared human experience, the sense of isolation eases. We can bring to mind someone else who is suffering and feel a connection with them. This is healing.

What is Mindfulness?

The clear seeing and non-judgemental acceptance of what is happening in the moment.

With mindfulness

We observe our emotions in the present moment.
We recognise our suffering.
We acknowledge our true feelings.
We stop what we are doing to comfort ourselves.
We make the present moment safe with kind, loving thoughts.

Without mindfulness

The present moment feels painful and we don’t want to be there.
We think about the past or the future.
We fixate on solving the problem.
We can become over-identified and attached to the problem.
We increase stress.

Practice 1:

Create a loving dialogue to use when you are in distress

Using the Self-Compassion checklist:

Self-Kindness
Recognition of common humanity
Mindfulness

Here’s an example

Thought 1: Er I can’t believe I have cancer. This is terrible.

Thought 2: Yes my darling this is really difficult.

Thought 3: I’m so scared. I feel awful.

Thought 4: Yes my darling, I know this is really difficult. You are really suffering right now.

Thought 5: I guess lots of people experience hardship. I bet there are other people suffering right now. Let me think of someone who is suffering. There’s someone else out there who has just been told they have cancer. There is also someone who has just lost a child and someone who has been told their partner is on life-support. There is someone who has lost their job and another person who has lost their house. There is someone who has failed an exam. We are all suffering.

Thought 6: It’s hard isn’t it. It’s hard for them and it’s hard for me. It’s normal to suffer. There are a lot of people suffering like me.

Thought 7: Let me send love and understanding to myself and everyone else suffering right now. I have love and compassion for all of us suffering right now. Let me feel that love and compassion in my heart.

Thought 8: It’s really hard to suffer.

Thought 9: Let me give myself a hug. Let me feel the love for myself in this moment. This is really hard.

Thought 10: But what about my next challenging thought?

Thought 11: It’s OK. I will respond to myself with love and compassion and join with others. Lots of people are suffering right now. Let me feel that love for myself again.

Thought 12: But what about the next challenging thought?

Thought 13: It’s OK. I can rely on myself for a self-compassionate response when I am suffering.

This exchange is healing.

The Long Term Effect

When you come to your aid with a personalised, heartfelt self-compassionate dialogue again and again, a habit is formed. The mind craves certainty. But certainty is hard to come by amidst a cancer diagnosis. Adopting a compassionate dialogue, calling forwards loving words and feelings, brings certainty at an uncertain time. And soothes the mind. At least you can rely on a self-compassionate response from yourself during times of emotional distress.

After a few weeks using this practice consistently, I spent less time worrying. Fear based thoughts decreased. The ego protested less. Rather than minimising suffering by telling myself everything would be OK because…(which always, eventually led to fear and doubt), I learnt to respond with kind soothing words of love, understanding and connection.

Rumination decreases as I answer every worry with

“Yes my darling, this situation is really hard.” And invite love to flow from my heart.

What you are doing

Acknowledging your suffering.
Cultivating a feeling of love in your heart and sending that love to yourself.
Prioritising your peace of mind.
Using loving words.
Joining with others.
Holding yourself in the present moment.

What you are not doing?

Seeing the bright side.
Focusing on what is going well.
Denying there is a problem.
Trying to make the situation OK.
Using judgement.
Problem solving.
Comparing yourself to others.
Thinking about the future or the past.

Practice 2:

Hugging practice

“One easy way to soothe and comfort yourself when you are suffering is to give yourself a gentle loving hug. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions and calms cardio-vascular stress. If you notice yourself feeling tense, sad or fearful, try giving yourself a warm hug, tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. If you can’t actually hug yourself, the evidence suggests that imagining hugging yourself with love has the same effect. How does your body feel after a hug? Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer?” - From Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: How to Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind .

“Remember you can provide love and care to yourself

You are uniquely equipped for this job!
Who is in the best position to know how you really feel underneath the cheerful facade?
Who is most likely to know the full extent of the pain and fear you face?
Who knows what you need the most?
Who else is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness?
Congratulations you have the job” :)
- From Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion: How to Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.

What Next?

Prepare a loving dialogue using the checklist and words that are meaningful to you.
Next time you experience emotional distress, use the dialogue. Did it help?
Use the dialogue more and more consistently until a habit is formed. Write it down and carry around if you need to.
Try the hugging practice.