When I Got Sick I Was Presented With A Choice.
The Cancer Diagnosis
As I lay on the sofa, tears streaming down my face, I swam against the choppy emotions of despair, fear, grief and anxiety – each one threatening to overwhelm me.
The reason for my despair was depressingly robust. I had found out from a gynaecologist that the benign cyst removed from my left ovary weeks before was in fact cancerous. It had taken sometime to diagnose despite many checkups. My shock was confounded by the fact I thought I felt a lump in my vagina the day before. Which wasn’t of huge concern…until suddenly it was.
How was I going to cope when I couldn’t even sit upright? I spent two days crying on the sofa with all the usual thoughts running. How could this happen to me? I’m so young and fit. This is so unfair. Round and round and down and down I went. If you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, you get it.
A Turning Point
This despair reminded me of other moments of despair in my life.
Suddenly I had a new thought. And it came in the form of a question.
Has despair taught you anything before?
a quiet but sure voice asked.
Have you ever got to the end of despair and found answers?
It was easy to answer. NO!
Suddenly, to my left I spotted a wooden path, like a pier or pontoon floating on top of the water. If I could just swim to the pontoon, I could rest. I could climb out of this raging sea. I could catch my breath. And so I did. I climbed out. And I sat.
As I spent more time on the pontoon, I realised I had a choice. I could be overwhelmed by the waves of despair or I could sit safely on the pontoon. Each time I felt fear rise, I reminded myself I could stay on the pontoon. The pontoon felt like a place of safety. It was a place beyond judgement and problem-solving. It was a place where thinking stopped. It was a place of peace.
Over the next few weeks, whilst still struggling of course, I realised I didn’t deserve cancer and I certainly didn’t deserve mental anguish on top of cancer.
One of my friends told me a story where an oncologist said to a patient,
“let me look after your body and you look after your mind.”
This resonated deeply with me.
Over the next weeks and months, I let go of the brutality of survival as my goal and instead set the goal of peace of mind.
Carousel describes this journey. It shares the techniques that have brought peace. As Carousel grows, there is an intention to include a broad range of emotional and spiritual techniques that may help ease suffering, from a variety of contributors.
About Me
I have spent my career building leadership capabilities for companies like Tesco, Vodafone and Google. In this capacity, I spend a lot of time learning, querying, practicing and teaching the latest thinking in management science and behaviour.
In my spare time I work with kids who have experienced trauma. And I’ve been the recipient of support from amazing BACP accredited psychotherapists and the Samaritans over the years, where I experienced the power of compassion first hand.
