1. What is Self-Compassion?
Many of us recognise
that we are kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
This series aims to change that!
It makes the case for Self-Compassion as a technique worthy of mastery.
Self-Compassion can be a helpful tool in your mental health toolkit as you experience cancer.
It’s a personal practice that means love is always available.
In this series you will find an exploration of self-compassion - what it is and why it is helpful. As well as practices you can develop.
Why Do We Need Self-Compassion?
When we experience something hard, neutrality is hard to come by. Judgement is rife and we are very sure of what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad.’
Desperate for consolation, and keen to maintain a positive attitude, we find the ‘good’ in the situation and tell ourselves it could be worse.
Arthur Schopenhauer, a 19th Century German Philosopher describes this theory of consolation.
“The best consolation in misfortune or affliction of any kind will be the thought of other people who are in a still worse plight than yourself; and this is a form of consolation open to everyone. But what an awful fate this means for mankind as a whole!”
You may have heard consolation by comparison a lot during the Coronavirus lockdown.
Person A: How are you doing?
Person B: I’m OK. I’m glad we have the garden. It’s the people in apartments I feel sorry for.
An example with a cancer diagnosis may go something like:
Person A: Sorry to hear you have cancer. How are you doing?
Person B: I’m OK. The tumour is small. I’m lucky really.
At first read, consolation by comparison may seem harmless enough; caring even or optimistic.
It’s the epitome of the ‘stiff upper lip.’
Certainly, it’s upbeat enough to satisfy the enquirer and move the conversation to less personal territory.
The issue with this technique is that, whilst maintaining our ego position (undoubtedly an attractive lure), it fails to acknowledge our true suffering and relies on unhealthy doses of judgement, comparison and separation. And we miss out on a wonderful opportunity for emotional healing.
Perhaps a succinct assessment of consolation by comparison would be: use it as liberally as you require in the company of others,
but don’t try to fool yourself.
So if we want to be as honest as possible with ourselves about our suffering, what can we do?
Is there a way to soothe ourselves without judgement, comparison or separation?
You bet there is and it’s a practice that is 2,500 years old - Self-Compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Compassion for others and oneself is a key component of Buddhist philosophy. In The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, the Dalai Lama’s solution to many issues we face as individuals and as society is compassion and self-compassion.
Another incredible book is Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas. Neff is credited with conducting the first academic studies into Self-Compassion.
This series on self-compassion draws largely on Kristin Neff’s work.
Neff describes self-compassion as
“Extending kindness and understanding to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering. It entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring the issue or hurting oneself with self-criticism.”
To help us understand the mind and the emotional choices we have available to us in each moment, Neff shares a Native American parable.
An old Cherokee is teaching a young child about life.
Old Cherokee: “There is a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is aggressive. He is fear, anger, envy, desire, blame, irritation, regret, worry, suspicion, expectation, judgement, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, pride, inferiority, superiority. The other wolf is gentle. He represents love, joy, peace, faith, trust, forgiveness, serenity, kindness, equality, benevolence, acceptance, empathy, truth, generosity, compassion. This fight is going on in every person."
Young kid: “Which wolf will win?”
Old Cherokee: “The one you feed.”
Fear and Trauma
When we encounter a trauma like a cancer diagnosis, we may experience fear.
Fear activates the famous ‘fight, flight, freeze’ survival response. The reptilian part of our brain takes over and we have more adrenaline and cortisol in our system. Fear feeds the dangerous wolf. In fear, we are drawn to alleviate discomfort as quickly as possible. We jump into problem solving mode. We seek to control. We plan and strategise. We shout and blame. Or run away, deny and keep busy. Maybe we buoy ourselves up with favourable assessments? But let’s be honest. Fear usually leads to doubt.
Will we really be OK?
What does the future hold?
Can we trust ourselves? Our doctors? God?
We climb a mountain in a burst of positivity, action or busyness, only to come crashing down.
Self-compassion offers an alternative to fear.
It provides a pathway we can walk to go from fear to love.
Through self-compassion, we stop feeding the dangerous wolf and start feeding the gentle wolf.
Self-compassion restores our peace.
Through the practice of self-compassion, we focus our attention on giving ourselves love, kindness and connection in a moment of suffering.
By giving ourselves love, we trigger the production of oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust, calm and safety.
Self-Compassion can even help us find meaning in a difficult experience.
Here’s a lesser known Buddhist Prayer, which you can use to re-frame your experience of suffering, shared by Jack Kornfield in 'A Path With Heart.’
“May I be given sufficient difficulties that my heart can truly open with compassion.”
Can you welcome a difficult experience as an opportunity to practice self-compassion?
Can you welcome suffering as an opportunity to give yourself love?
Can you let a seeming failure make your heart sweeter?
What’s great about self-compassion?
It’s easy to learn.
You can tailor your practice so it is meaningful to you.
It can be used right when you need it most, in a moment of suffering.
It’s a gift you can give to yourself.
What Next?
Check out the next post to learn how to formulate a self-compassion practice.
In the meantime, explore these resources to learn more about self-compassion.
Watch this! 20 minute Ted Talk, Kristin Neff - On Self-Compassion
How can Self-Compassion Help?