2. The Fear of Death Is Real

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the prognosis I received wasn’t hopeful.

I remember walking along the beach where I live with one of my best friends. 

And I told him. “Death is a real possibility here. I feel like I need to make peace with that somehow.” He didn’t argue with me; or tell me I was being macabre. He just listened and nodded. We held hands. I cried. 

The next day we went to see a different doctor in London. This doctor was able to perform a surgery which was not possible for the other doctors. He was cautious, but rather than sharing a prognosis, he said, “None of us can predict the future. I don’t know what the outcome will be. I have seen some people live and some people die.” 

I remember thinking to myself, ‘OK. I can handle an ‘I don’t know.’ I’ll consider it 50/50 then.’ 

I haven’t been drawn to look for any more statistics. Making peace with the ‘I don’t know’ felt like the right option for me.

I don’t know if I will live or if I will die.  

A few weeks later, I was chatting to a psychotherapist. 

“I just have to ask you a question,” she said.

Could you say ‘when you get better’ instead of ‘if you get better’?”

I thought for a moment. 

“No. I can’t say that. I like to say if. It feels more like where I’m at.” 

Afterwards, I thought more about this question. I didn’t know what the outcome would be. And it felt important to make peace with that. When I focused on the need to live - I felt extremely stressed. It made me think about all the people that needed me here. And my feelings about wanting to be here for them. When I gave attention to the survival instinct - which was strong - it felt like calling forth an army of bloodthirsty vikings. They lined the horizon as far as the eye could see. 

But rather than bring peace or confidence, the vikings scared me.

With peace as my guide, I settled back into the ‘I don’t know.’  I don’t know if I will live or if I will die. Whilst this thought brought many fears about death to the surface, it brought less inner stress than the focus on survival.

I brought every anxiety about death to the “Letting Go” Practice. Again and again and again. The grief of leaving loved ones and their grief of losing me; the fear of being in pain; anger at the thought of my healthy body withering away. 

After many practice sessions, something interesting happened. A feeling of safety or knowingness ballooned inside of me. It didn’t speak but this feeling told me I would be OK. I would be OK if I lived and OK if I died. And so would my loved ones. There are plenty of anxious moments but this feeling of safety or knowingness is always there when I remember to look for it. Sometimes it guides me to take whatever is bothering me to the Letting Go practice.

What this experience taught me is that our feelings about a situation can change. 

I am also learning that I don’t always have to understand things.

In fact I am sensing that the need to understand may be something that limits me.

Did the Letting Go practice help me transcend the fears I had about death?

Maybe. I don’t know. It certainly seems to have eased a lot of distress.

And I love tuning into that feeling of inner safety and knowingness whenever things seem hard.

What Next?

Do you have fears about death? 

Would you benefit from greater inner peace? 

Why not explore your feelings about death with this Letting Go practice to see if it brings any benefits. 

Good luck xx