A Real Test for the Growth Mindset.

The dark and the light of a cancer diagnosis.

A cancer experience can be rife in judgement and isolation. There are assessments of the cancer - the stage, the spread, the prognosis, survival statistics, treatment options.  It can be a very isolating experience. You feel like a body that has gone wrong.  A body that needs fixing.  No longer a whole person with an unlimited mind, a soul. 

It’s easy to detach at this point. I remember feeling like I had fallen away from the rest of the human race. It seemed like my life was in tatters, full of hospital appointments, clinical settings, white coats, new smells. As I stood at the Euston Road looking at UCL Hospital in London,I distinctly remember feeling like someone had picked me up and transported me to a new life.

 Who am I? Where am I? I don’t want this.

The disorientation is terrifying, actually. You cling to your family and friends for dear life.  To those who are brave enough to go there with you, to share in your experience. Those who say ‘We’ not ‘You’ not ‘Me.’  Things have changed.  Maybe you have gone from the helper to the one needing help. If this sounds like an emotional experience; yes it absolutely is. It’s an emotional experience and also a massive learning experience. You cry for the sense of self you have lost, you cry for the uncertain future, you cry for your body, for your loved ones and the upteenth time that day you give blood.  

Amidst the devastation, there is also a lot to learn. Is it possible to see cancer as a learning experience?  I guess every experience is a learning experience.  You learn how to receive, you learn how to ask for help, you learn to say ‘I’m not coping’, you learn to be really sad. You learn to say ‘I’m scared.’  You learn about isolation and grief. You learn the importance of a reassuring doctor, a smile from a nurse. You learn about love from your Mum who holds her grief in and your Dad who says he won’t leave you, not even for a moment. You learn about love from the family and friends who rally around. You allow yourself to be moved by your experience.  To break down, to cry, to lash out, to be miserable, hateful and unwilling. Yep it’s learning. Yep it’s emotional. 

In this series, I’m going to share some of the things you may learn through cancer, taking a look at resistance, judgement, isolation, forgiveness and the biggest surprise - that grief is full of love and beauty, if you are willing to be moved by your pain.